


hold me ('til the tides take my soul)

by wonhoseok



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Secret Crush, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 16:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7322923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonhoseok/pseuds/wonhoseok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wonho struggles with anxiety, and Kihyun is hopelessly in love with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hold me ('til the tides take my soul)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Monsta X fanfic, so I'm not really used to writing them. I hope it's okay nonetheless. It was only supposed to be a short fic of maximum 2,000 words, but I got kind of carried away.

  
  
It wasn’t the first time he had felt like this. It had happened a lot lately, more than he cared to admit. His heart was racing, pearls of sweat shooting down his temples, and he clenched his fists so hard his hands shook.  
  
‘Are you okay?’ Kihyun asked, frowning.  
  
‘It’s… It’s just my anxiety acting up again. N-No biggie,’ Wonho stammered, willing himself to smile. It was a sorry attempt.  
  
‘You’re sweating… I’m gonna find a towel. Hold on.’  
  
Kihyun rummaged through the closets, and Wonho sunk together, moaning as his vision went in and out of focus. The sound of the water thundering against the sink became distant, the sight of Kihyun slowly blurring with every gasp of breath. It was impossible to focus on anything. He tried to concentrate on his breathing, but he could only hear his heart pounding in his ears.  
  
Kihyun squatted before Wonho, patting his forehead with the damp towel. Wonho flinched, and Kihyun immediately withdrew his hands, looking pained by Wonho's action. Wonho opened his mouth to say something, anything, but no words came out. The sadness in Kihyun’s eyes made him feel even worse, and he looked down at his feet, shuddering so hard it was painful.  
  
‘I worry about you,’ Kihyun said gently, stroking the towel along Wonho’s face, carefully now. ‘I just wish there was something I could do to make it better.’  
  
_You already are._  
  
Wonho looked down at the floor, sinking further together. He clasped his arms around his legs and shook his head.  
  
‘I’ll be fine.’  
  
  
  
  
  
Kihyun pushed the door leading up to the rooftop open, feeling anything but fine as he headed over to his usual spot. He imagined Wonho shaking and moaning with pain, and felt a tug at his chest. It had happened a lot lately. He had known about Wonho's anxiety since the beginning, and it had been fine; he had functioned well for a long time, his episodes being infrequent and pretty mild. Until recently. He had no idea what had triggered his relapse, but he would often find Wonho quivering at the floor, sweating and moaning, and there was nothing he could do to ease his pain.  
  
Sitting down at his usual spot, he opened his pack of cigarettes and lit one up, staring at the bustling cityscape. Wonho's anxiety wasn't the only thing troubling him. He closed his eyes and imagined Wonho's smile. The one with the eyes. Kihyun inhaled the smoke and almost laughed out loud at his hopelessness.  
  
He knew he couldn't keep on like this. He knew he probably should be avoiding the other, let go of his feelings, crush them if he had to. But he couldn't. Not when Wonho was like this. Every time he saw the other and stared into his eyes, saw his smile, he just knew that he couldn’t. Fingers shivering, he picked up another cigarette and took the longest drag he managed.  
  
'Fuck.'  
  
  
  
  
  
No matter what he did, Wonho couldn’t sleep. He kept tossing and turning in the sheets, unable to find a comfortable position. He cursed. Rising up from the bed, he went into the living room and sat down in the sofa, staring blankly ahead. The silence suffocated him. He couldn’t sit still. He kept fidgeting, crossing and uncrossing his legs, playing with his fingers, changing places in the sofa. Then his breathing became ragged.  
  
_Oh no._  
  
He stood up and started pacing back and forth, but it had already begun. The lights started to flash. All he could focus on was the whining of the cars down below, which only seemed to get closer and closer until it was like the cars were honking right next to him. He wanted to scream. Putting his hands over his ears, he picked up his pace and rushed from wall to wall, biting his teeth together as hard as he could.  
  
What was he afraid of? What was there even to be afraid of? Putting his arms around himself, he started spinning in circles. He didn't notice he was whimpering until he suddenly stopped, as his chest convulsed and he suddenly couldn't breathe. Wonho sat down on the floor. He closed his eyes, and flinched to the sound of the floor creaking. He didn't even have to guess who it was, and started breathing again as soon as he felt the familiar arms around him, rocking him back and forth.  
  
' _Shh_ … It's okay, it's okay. I'm here now. Don't worry, everything will be alright.'  
  
  
  
  
  
Kihyun looked at Wonho over his shoulders, wringing the towel he’d dampened to dry off Wonho’s sweat. Seeing Wonho stare blankly ahead, clearly exhausted from the panic attack, he couldn't help but pitying him. It had happened again, and this time so soon after the first time. It had never been this frequent before, and Kihyun was starting to worry that Wonho’s condition was getting worse. A lot worse.  
  
He turned and put the towel against Wonho's forehead, patting it lightly against his skin. 'Better?' he asked softly, and Wonho nodded, eyes fluttering shut. Kihyun sighed, his movement delicate as he ran the towel along Wonho’s jaw and down his neck. Wonho rested his head against Kihyun's hand, releasing a heavy breath.  
  
‘Kihyun-ah...'  
  
Wonho’s face was so close, and his expression so vulnerable. For a moment, Kihyun had a wild thought of kissing him. With his eyes fluttered shut and his soft, pink lips slightly parted, Kihyun thought that Wonho had never looked as serene and beautiful as he did at that very moment. He hummed, urging Wonho to keep talking, but Wonho was unresponsive, leaning more and more against Kihyun’s hand. Eventually Kihyun heard Wonho snore, and he chuckled to himself, slowly transferring the weight of Wonho’s head from his hand and over to his shoulder. He threw the towel aside and put the other’s arms around his shoulders, carefully lifting him up to his feet.  
  
'Come on, wake up just a little bit. Let's go back to bed.'  
  
Wonho nodded, half-sleeping already, and Kihyun indulged himself with enjoying the warmth of Wonho's body against his — even if it was just for a second.  
  
  
  
  
  
Wonho sat across from Kihyun during lunch, and he couldn’t even make himself look in his direction. He kept thinking about the night before, and his anxiety that had been really bad lately. Just thinking about it made his heart pound again. Night after night, he had succumbed into his own irrational fears, and night after night, Kihyun had been there. He buried his head in his hands, knowing that this couldn’t go on for much longer. Everyone was exhausted enough already, the pressure of the music shows, interviews and radio programs taking its toll on all of them. Kihyun didn’t need the extra load of taking care of Wonho, and he felt ashamed that he’d let him go through all that because of him for so long.  
  
He felt Kihyun’s eyes on him. They would just naturally gravitate towards him whenever Wonho was feeling anxious, as if Kihyun could sense whenever Wonho needed him. Heat rose to his cheeks, and he found himself quieter than usual during the group’s lively conversation.  
  
After the meal, Wonho was the first to leave. He left his share of the bill on the table, and mumbled his goodbyes over his shoulder before anyone could stop him. It wasn’t really that he was feeling anxious at that moment, but rather his shame that made him rush out of the restaurant so quickly. There had been bad periods before, but never like this. Never this frequent. He had noticed that Kihyun worried more than usual, too. He exited the building, plugging in his earphones and pulling the hood of his sweatshirt over his head, blending in with the bustle of the city.  
  
All of a sudden, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and was surprised to see Minhyuk standing in front of him. He had also drawn his hood over his head, and was looking at Wonho with an unreadable expression on his face as opposed to his usual goofy grin.  
  
‘Wonho, are you okay? You left so suddenly,’ Minhyuk said, nibbling at his lower lip like he usually did when he was feeling uneasy. Wonho pulled out his earplugs and looked over Minhyuk’s shoulder, looking to see if anyone else had followed. He didn’t see anyone.  
  
‘I’m fine. I’m just gonna go work out,’ Wonho said, still casting glances over Minhyuk’s shoulder. Minhyuk, noticing Wonho’s frequent glances, turned and looked behind him.  
  
‘Are you waiting for someone? Is Shownu coming too?’ Minhyuk asked. He swayed from side to side, as if that would help him spot whatever Wonho was looking for more easily.  
  
‘No, nothing like that.’ Wonho looked down at his feet. ‘Minhyuk, seriously, I’m okay. I’m going back to the dorms now.’  
  
Minhyuk simply stared at him. ‘Okay? Yeah, I guess—’’  
  
Wonho started to turn around to walk again, but Minhyuk was clearly not done with him.  
  
‘It’s just—’  
  
With a sigh, Wonho faced the other again, crossing his arms over his chest. ‘Just what?’  
  
‘I think Kihyun is smoking again.’  
  
Wonho tensed a bit at the mention of Kihyun, but quickly composed himself, scared to give away more than necessary. Minhyuk looked genuinely worried, and Wonho gathered some patience to listen to Minhyuk’s worries. It wasn’t often that they had time alone anyway, so maybe it was something that had burdened him for a long time.  
  
‘So what if he is?’ Wonho said, and he swore that Minhyuk had a strange expression on his face for a moment, but it was quickly replaced by one of his usual grins, although this one was less convincing than the others.  
  
‘I just think there’s something bothering him. And since you were acting weird today too, I just thought that maybe… No, it’s probably stupid. But I just thought that perhaps there was something going on between the two of you.’  
  
Wonho chuckled, trying to hide the fact that his heart began pounding and his palms were getting clammy. He folded his hands behind his back, looking out over the street. Anything to avoid eye-contact with Minhyuk. He tried to remember any instance where someone might get the idea that Kihyun had been helping Wonho lately, but no matter how hard he thought, he couldn’t think of anything. He didn’t think anyone else had been awake during those nights, at least he hadn’t noticed anyone. Then again, Wonho had hardly noticed anything but Kihyun and his own troubles lately, so it was hard to tell.  
  
‘Wonho?’  
  
‘Mmh.’ Wonho turned his head toward Minhyuk. ‘What?’  
  
‘You drifted off for a second there. Are you saying you know what’s wrong with Kihyun? Did you guys fight or something?’  
  
Wonho frowned, shaking his head. ‘No, no. Nothing like that. I don’t know why he’s smoking again,’ Wonho said absentmindedly, and finally turned. ‘If you don’t mind…’ he then said, and plugged in his earplugs again, putting on his favorite music before Minhyuk could say anything else.  
  
He walked down the streets, eyes straight ahead, knowing that Minhyuk was debating whether or not to follow him. He released a deep breath, closing his eyes momentarily as the beats pounded in his ears, strangely calming him. Calming him enough that he didn’t notice Kihyun looking after him, fingers shaking as they picked up his cigarettes and started walking the other way.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kihyun held him close, rubbing circles on his skin with his thumbs, whispering reassurances against his shoulders. Wonho was shaking through his sobs, the tears streaming down his face.  
  
‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Kihyun. Why… Why do I keep doing this? W-Why do I— I—’  
  
‘ _Shh_ … It’s okay, Wonho. It’s okay. Don’t worry, I’m here. Everything will be alright.’  
  
The words felt heavy on Kihyun’s tongue today for some reason. After seeing Wonho talk with Minhyuk after their meal earlier that day, he had felt something that he couldn’t quite place. For some reason, he became annoyed by Minhyuk’s voice; even seeing his face had him grumbling under his breath, and it didn’t make sense at all. Minhyuk was the sweetest, kindest person in the group, so why was it that Kihyun felt like wringing Minhyuk’s neck every time he saw him? He couldn’t possibly be jealous over that one interaction. Wonho was a sociable guy, he got along with everybody. Kihyun shouldn’t care. Yet, there he was, clenching his fists behind Wonho’s back by the thought of him being close with anyone but him. Kihyun wanted to punch himself.  
  
Wonho buried his face in Kihyun’s neck, and Kihyun pulled him closer, running his fingers through Wonho’s soft, blond hair. He began singing softly under his breath, trying to get his mind off of his questionable feelings. Wonho’s sobs were getting more sporadic, and his breath eventually evened out until Wonho was quiet. Kihyun’s song faded out somewhat, his focus on the strands of hair locked between his fingers.  
  
‘Kihyun?’ Wonho’s voice was muffled by Kihyun’s skin. Kihyun leaned back and put his hands on Wonho’s shoulders, his lips drawn into a thin line.  
  
‘What is it?’  
  
Wonho kept looking down, his eyes flickering around. Kihyun frowned before forcing a smile that almost felt genuine. Seeing Wonho feel bad sent a pang through his chest, and Kihyun didn’t know how to handle that. He just wanted to hug Wonho until everything was okay and he could see his beautiful smile again.  
  
‘Did… Did you start smoking again?’  
  
Kihyun froze for a second, a mixture of confusion, anger, sadness and guilt flashing through him. Small trembles ran through his body, and he stuttered, not finding any words.  
  
‘Minhyuk told me.’  
  
Kihyun grimaced. ‘Minhyuk…?’  
  
He remembered when they had been at the restaurant eating lunch together, and Wonho had left earlier than the rest. When he left, Minhyuk had ran after him and reached him before Kihyun could. He clenched his fists.  
  
‘Is it because of me, Kihyun?’ Wonho asked, his voice even quieter than before. Kihyun let out a strange chuckle that sounded off even to him.  
  
‘No, not at all.’ He lied, of course.  
  
‘Because if it is… And you have to take care of your voice… I would just feel really bad if, you know…’  
  
Kihyun could see that Wonho felt bad. They both knew Wonho’s anxiety attacks had been frequent lately. It must have been really hard for him, especially since he was a proud person who didn’t really like to depend on others. Kihyun wanted to smile. As strange as it was, it felt kind of nice to have Wonho worry about _him_ for once. Not that he wanted to add to Wonho’s troubles, but just the hint that Wonho really cared about him… His heart began pounding.  
  
He wanted to curse. This was not the time for his feelings to go crazy. Just looking at the other made his heart leap, and despite all efforts, heat was rising to his cheeks. He put a hand on Wonho’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug, stroking his back gently just so he could hide the flush of his face.  
  
‘Don’t worry about me, Wonho. I’m here for you. No matter what.’  
  
Wonho sunk into his hug, nodding into Kihyun’s shoulder. Kihyun closed his eyes. He could feel himself starting to tremble, his heart beating so hard now that his entire body was shaking. For a moment he thought about retreating from the hug to hide the fact that his body was going insane, but then he would expose his rosy cheeks and fluttering gaze. Neither was particularly good, considering.  
  
‘Thank you,’ Wonho then said, his voice a mere whisper. ‘For all this.’  
  
Kihyun inhaled sharply, his shuddering getting even worse. He tightened his grip around Wonho, and inhaled his springy scent, fighting back the tears that were forcing their way out.  
  
‘Don’t even mention it.’  
  
  
  
  
  
Wonho made a move towards the door. He raised his fist, ready to knock but hesitating. Kihyun and Shownu was sleeping inside after a long day of schedules. Although it was technically his room as well, he was too nervous to enter for some reason. He began sweating, drying his hands on his jeans, and shook his head repeatedly as if to shake of his nervousness.  
  
Mustering all the courage he could, he took a deep breath and pushed the door open. Inside he was met by pitch black darkness. Closing the door, he stepped forward, finding his way over to the stairs leading to Kihyun’s bunk — which he could find even blindfolded. He heard faint snoring, and tried to look around him to see where Shownu was sleeping, but it was too dark to see anything yet. He climbed the stairs. Reaching his hand out, he finally found Kihyun curled up on his side on the far side against the wall, his back turned toward him.  
  
‘Kihyun,’ Wonho whispered, moving closer toward the other. Kihyun mumbled something unintelligible, shifting somewhat where he lay. Wonho lay down behind Kihyun, pulling at Kihyun’s blanket so they could share. Ushering his way closer, he noticed Kihyun suddenly froze.  
  
‘Wonho?’ His voice was groggy, and it was clear he was still drowsy from his sleep. Wonho snuggled even closer against Kihyun, humming under his breath.  
  
‘You awake?’ Wonho asked, pulling Kihyun’s blanket tighter around himself.  
  
‘Now I am. What—’ Kihyun turned around, facing Wonho. ‘You okay?’  
  
‘Isn’t Shownu here?’ Wonho asked, turning halfway to look out over the room again now that he’d gotten used to the dark. The other mattresses were empty, neatly folded and ready for the night. He turned back around, and noticed Kihyun was staring at him.  
  
‘No, he…’ Kihyun mumbled, looking puzzled all of a sudden. ‘He woke up a long time ago. What time is it?’  
  
‘9.30pm. You’ve been sleeping for almost two hours.’  
  
‘Oh.’  
  
Wonho looked at the other, the silence that befell the room making him uneasy. His stomach felt like it was dropping, and he had to remind himself why he had come in the first place. He was starting to get fidgety. Lying still was hard, especially with Kihyun’s intensive stare glued to him. It was something different about the look in his eyes now though, like they were more intense than usual. Wonho couldn’t really place it, but he felt exposed, and curled up into a ball where he lay.  
  
‘Did you come to sleep?’ Kihyun asked, voice monotone and seeming somewhat off. Wonho frowned, and lifted his upper body up to rest on his elbows, meeting Kihyun’s stare.  
  
‘No, I…’ Wonho sat up further. ‘I wanted to talk to you. About what’s been happening lately.’  
  
This seemed to puzzle Kihyun. ‘Are you feeling worse? Is there anything else I can do for you?’  
  
Just the thought of Kihyun worrying this much about him made Wonho’s cheeks redden. He didn’t understand why Kihyun was so intent on helping him all the time. Kihyun was a caring person, especially off camera, but this was something else. This was something more. He was incredibly grateful for it, nonetheless, but found it hard to express these feelings, especially now with Kihyun’s face so close to his. He looked at the other, and noticed Kihyun biting his lower lip.  
  
‘I just…’ Wonho began, trying to calm down his thoughts enough to create a complete sentence. However, Kihyun’s eyes and the way he nibbled his lips made his thoughts incomplete, and he had to chuckle to ease off some of the tension he was feeling. His eyes met Kihyun’s, whose expression seemed to soften all of a sudden, a bright smile spreading across his face.  
  
‘Let’s just sleep,’ Kihyun suggested with a grin, and Wonho just nodded his head, grateful that Kihyun always seemed to understand him even when he didn’t understand himself.  
  
  
  
  
Kihyun sat at his usual spot on the rooftop, playing with the stub of his cigarette. He kept thinking about the night before. The image of Wonho’s face being so close to his, his body snug against his own… His stomach was tingling by the thought. The sudden realization that it was probably the closest he would ever get to Wonho darkened his mood, however. He tossed the stub he’d been playing with for the past hour over the edge of the roof, picking up a new one in the process. He only got as far as putting it between his lips though when he heard a familiar voice approach him, darkening his mood further.  
  
‘That’s extremely harmful for your voice, and you know it – _Main Vocal_.’  
  
Minhyuk settled down next to him, sighing exaggeratedly while stretching out his arms.  
  
‘Even though, coming to think about it, if you fuck up your voice, I guess the main vocal position will open up. So with that in mind, please go ahead.’ Minhyuk chuckled, grinning at Kihyun who could only stare dumbfoundedly at the other.  
  
‘What are you doing here?’ It was the only response he could think of, and it only seemed to make Minhyuk’s grin widen.  
  
‘I thought that your coat smelled somewhat of cigarettes, but I wasn’t entirely sure, so I had to come up and see for myself,’ Minhyuk said. ‘Also, Wonho kind of confirmed it by saying he didn’t know ‘why’ you smoked instead of ‘if’ you smoked, so there’s _that_.’  
  
Kihyun’s head snapped over at the other, eyes widening. He couldn’t even hide it. Cursing under his breath, he stood up to walk away, but Minhyuk grabbed him by the wrist.  
  
‘Hey, wait.’  
  
Kihyun shook off Minhyuk’s hand and paused, feeling impatient and ready to leave. Minhyuk looked solemn for a moment, and Kihyun sighed, wiping his face with his hand.  
  
‘What.’  
  
‘He’s getting worse, isn’t he?’ Minhyuk said silently, staring out over the cityscape. Kihyun opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, at a loss of words. ‘It’s okay,’ Minhyuk continued, seeing Kihyun’s response. ‘I won’t tell anyone. You’re taking good care of him. I know for sure he wouldn’t accept my help, so I’m just glad he accepts _someone_. I’m kind of surprised it was you, though. He must like you.’  
  
Kihyuk looked away. ‘Yeah, I guess.’  
  
Minhyuk flashed him a smile before standing up, turning to leave. ‘You should seriously stop with the smoking, though, all jokes aside,’ Minhyuk said. ‘Or else I’m gonna tell on you.’  
  
Kihyun chuckled, ‘Okay’, and watched as Minhyuk headed back inside. As the door slammed shut, Kihyun looked down at his lap, nibbling at his lower lip. He was tempted for a second to pick up his cigarettes again, but decided against it and stood up, following suit and headed back inside.  
  
_‘He must like you.’_  
  
Kihyun was grinning so wide his cheeks hurt for the rest of the day.  
  
  
  
  
  
It was another one of those restless nights. Wonho was tossing and turning in his sleep, the silence of the night broken only by his pained moans and shallow gasps for air. He felt trapped. The walls around him felt like they were gonna fall down on him any second, crushing him under their weight. He gasped silently, squeezing his eyes shut as he began rocking back and forth.  
  
He suddenly felt Kihyun’s hands around him, and Wonho couldn’t remember hearing Kihyun climb down from his bunk. He was holding him tightly, pulling him towards him, and for a moment Wonho almost forgot to breathe. Kihyun’s grip around him tightened even more, and Wonho could feel Kihyun’s warm body against his, their feet entangling.  
  
‘Wonho,’ Kihyun whispered, his lips brushing against his neck. ‘It’s okay. _Shh_ , everything will be fine. I’m here. Sleep, now.’  
  
Wonho whimpered, already feeling tears running down his cheeks. He wanted to run away. He imagined just running out of the dorms, out to the streets, and just running until his legs couldn’t carry him anymore. He buried his face in his pillow, biting his lips together to keep in his sob.  
  
‘Wonho. _Wonho_. Listen to me. _Listen_. Everything is gonna be okay. _Shh_ , I’m here now,’ Kihyun whispered, his voice sharper now. Wonho grabbed Kihyun’s arms that were winded around him and pulled them even closer, snuggling into Kihyun’s embrace. He swore Kihyun froze up again, but he loosened up quickly, resting his head against Wonho’s neck. Wonho could feel Kihyun’s silent breaths against the nape of his neck, and he tried to focus on Kihyun’s breathing, matching his own to Kihyun’s pace.  
  
Another wave of desperately wanting to run struck through him, and he jerked in Kihyun’s embrace, his whimper turning into a moan. He could hear the other’s in the room stirring in their sleep, but couldn’t make himself stop. His heart was beating on full speed, pounding against his chest like it was trying to break through his ribs.  
  
Kihyun stirred, his grip loosening somewhat around Wonho before Wonho found himself being turned around, facing the other. His eyesight now accustomed to the dark, he saw Kihyun staring at him, tears streaming down his eyes, and felt tears of his own pouring as well. He didn’t want Kihyun to be sad. He hadn’t asked for any of this. It wasn’t fair. Kihyun was sitting halfway up, holding himself up by his elbow, and tried to smile but failed miserably. It just wasn’t fair. Wonho squeezed his eyes shut, silencing his sob.  
  
‘Look at me,’ Kihyun said, his voice raspy now. Wonho shook his head, trying to wipe off the silent tears streaming down his face, hiding his face in the pillow. ‘ _Please_.’  
  
Wonho opened his eyes, eyelids swollen and heavy with tears. Kihyun had stopped crying, but he still looked beaten, his heart-shaped lips drawn downwards and quivering. He reached his fingers out, stroking them down Wonho’s face and wiping away his tears despite fresh ones always reappearing. Wonho wanted to hold him close, and just hug the sadness away like they had done so many nights before. All those nights spent in the bathroom, Kihyun stroking his hair, holding him close until everything felt okay. Kihyun was his rock. Wonho just wanted him to be happy, and see that wide, dorky grin that made him laugh with joy.  
  
Kihyun tilted his head to the side and brushed Wonho’s bangs to the side, and Wonho swore his heart started beating differently. It wasn’t violent and painful like before; it was quick and nervous, and Wonho released a shaky breath. He looked up at Kihyun, eyes wide, and ran a nervous tongue over his lips. It was like he knew what was going to happen before any of them had really thought about doing it. All those nights suddenly seemed to make sense. The look in Kihyun’s eyes, that he had seen so many times lately, suddenly made sense. It wasn’t just worry, which made Wonho feel embarrassed and ashamed. It couldn’t be. There was something else. There was _something—_  
  
‘Oh, what the hell,’ Kihyun whispered. Kihyun’s lips twitched to the side into a lopsided smirk, and he then leaned in closer, pressing his lips softly against Wonho’s.  
  
Wonho grew silent. He couldn’t breathe. Kihyun tilted his head to the side and kissed him again. He brushed his lower lip against Wonho’s, eliciting a soft moan from him. Wonho’s cheeks were burning, the feeling of Kihyun’s lips against his sending waves of heat through his body. He closed his eyes, and leaned further into the kiss, his body shaking. The movement seemed to catch Kihyun off guard, and Wonho wondered for a moment if he had done something wrong. Then Kihyun leaned closer, putting his arms on each side of Wonho, and Wonho lay down on the bed, arms grasping at Kihyun’s waist. Kihyun’s tongue traced along the opening of his mouth, his tongue delicate and wet, and Wonho groaned, his voice only muffled by Kihyun’s tongue. His stomach was tingling like crazy, and he pulled Kihyun closer so the other lay on top of him, body pressed against his.  
  
He didn’t know what drove him to do all this. He hadn’t even thought about kissing Kihyun until this very moment, but with the other’s lips against his, he swore he had never felt better. The sound of Kihyun moaning into his lips drove him mad. He even wondered for a moment why they hadn’t done this earlier, but was cut short by Kihyun moving away, his eyes hazy and lips glistening.  
  
‘You have no idea how long—’ Kihyun whispered before Wonho shut him up, grabbing the back of Kihyun’s head and deepening the kiss. He couldn’t get enough. Kihyun was so incredibly hot, Wonho realized, his hands tracing along Kihyun’s sides. How hadn’t he ever seen how hot he was before now? Kihyun moaned again, and nothing else mattered at that moment but Kihyun’s lips.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kihyun was going insane. Wonho was snoring next to him, a tiny smile on his face, and Kihyun’s heart was beating so hard against his chest he could barely hold himself. It didn’t make sense. Kissing Wonho had been a bold move, and he had been crazy for even thinking about doing it. But then Wonho had kissed him back.  
  
Images of their kiss flashed through his head, and the memory of Wonho’s silent moans sent a shiver through his body. It was hard to put into words what he felt at that moment. It had been exactly like he had imagined, and then some. Frankly speaking, it still hadn’t dawned upon him that they had actually kissed. He closed his eyes and imagined Wonho’s soft, pink lips, and his cheeks reddened again, unable to hold back the grin that spread across his face. He hid his face behind his hands, feeling somewhat silly because of how giddy Wonho was making him feel.  
  
He lay down behind Wonho and put an arm around his waist, snuggling closer until they lay tightly against each other. Pulling the blanket over Wonho’s shoulders, he smiled to himself, his eyes at Wonho’s peaceful face. Eventually his eyelids became heavy as well and he drifted off to sleep, a faint smile lingering on his lips.  
  
  
  
  
  
It was awkward to say the least. They both looked at each other, eyes swollen from their sleep, and no one could think of anything to say. The silence was suffocating, like a wind had swept through the room and drawn all sound out. Wonho cleared his throat.  
  
‘I’m not…’ he began, grimacing. ‘Last night—’  
  
Kihyun’s eyes were glued to the floor as well, refusing to meet Wonho’s eyes. His legs were thumping against the floor, looking like he was ready to run at any moment. Wonho felt bad. What he had done last night confused him. Now that he had sobered up, the heat of the moment having passed a long time ago, it didn’t make sense to him. He had felt scared and vulnerable, and Kihyun had been there, like he always had been. And it had felt so good. The warmth of Kihyun’s lips against his own had been so comforting. While he didn’t rule out liking boys, he didn’t know whether it was his need for comfort or his actual feelings that had driven him to do what he had done.  
  
Kihyun had drawn his knees up against his chest, looking out of the window. Wonho wondered for a second why Kihyun had done what he did last night. Was it because he wanted to comfort him? Or was it possible that he actually, genuinely liked him? He couldn’t bring himself to ask. The thought of it being the former made him feel strangely awkward, perhaps even embarrassed and sad. He didn’t like the implication that he was so pitiful that Kihyun had been driven to do something so drastic to calm him. The thought of it being the latter made his heart beat though, the memory of Kihyun on top of him still vivid in his head. It had been nice, there was no denying that. Very nice. He liked the way Kihyun kissed him, and the way his touch was feather-light and gentle. More importantly, he liked how Kihyun was always there, and could always lift his mood when he was feeling down or anxious.  
  
They could hear the sound of cars honking down below, and the faint murmur of people going on about their daily life. The rest of the members were eating breakfast, and they were sitting there under the pretense of Kihyun not finding his moisturizer and Wonho helping him find it. Wonho could hear the clunk of plates being placed on top of each other, but the conversation was quiet today, and Wonho wondered if the rest of the group had caught up on what was happening between Kihyun and him.  
  
He didn’t have to think about it for long though, because Kihyun suddenly stood up, eyes still averting from Wonho, and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.  
  
  
  
  
  
‘Seriously, I thought we talked about this.’  
  
‘Go away.’ Kihyun exhaled, the smoke from his cigarette blurring his vision. The last thing he needed right now was company, and especially from Minhyuk, who was guaranteed to ask questions about what had happened earlier.  
  
‘Does that include me?’ another voice said, and Kihyun stopped dead in his tracks, nearly dropping the cigarette he held in his hand. He glowered straight ahead, fighting his urge to turn and run downstairs again with all his might, the reason entirely because he couldn’t stand facing the owner of the voice.  
  
‘I’ll… leave you guys to it,’ Minhyuk said, his voice weak for once, and Kihyun swore he had never wished for Minhyuk to stay as much as he did now. The door closed behind Minhyuk, and Kihyun tensed up even further, dreading the awful conversation he knew was coming.  
  
‘I’ve never been up here before. I’m not very fond of… heights,’ Wonho said, and Kihyun closed his eyes, sighing heavily before turning around. He saw Wonho’s eyes flickering at the view surrounding them, and knew that it must have taken a lot of courage for Wonho to willingly enter the rooftop. Nonetheless, Kihyun didn’t want to talk to him.  
  
‘You shouldn’t have come,’ he said, turning his back to Wonho again. He contemplated picking up another cigarette, but felt so sick to his stomach that he couldn’t even smoke. Minhyuk would’ve been proud.  
  
‘Kihyun, look—’  
  
‘We don’t have to talk about this!’ Kihyun yelled, his voice cracking. _Shit._ He began fumbling with the pack of cigarettes, fingers shaking madly. He was getting too worked up over this. He knew it, but he still couldn’t make himself stop. Tears were already forming in the corners of his eyes, and he couldn’t for the life of him understand why he was getting so emotional.  
  
He must have known that Wonho wouldn’t be able to reciprocate his feelings. There had been a reason why he hadn’t made a move earlier. Why hadn’t he listened to his own reason and just let it be? Why did he have to get his hopes up? He cursed under his breath, finally getting a hold of a cigarette. Picking up his lighter, he lit the cigarette, barely hitting the actual cigarette because of his shaking. He could hear Wonho approaching.  
  
‘Kihyun…’ Wonho sat down next to him, and Kihyun turned his head away, too ashamed and too scared to actually look at him. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to hold back his tears if he did.  
  
‘I’m so sorry.’  
  
Kihyun scoffed, shakily exhaling the smoke.  
  
‘Truly, I am. Not for… whatever you think I am sorry for. I… I’m just confused, okay? I’m not very good at talking about my feelings.’  
  
‘Well, you got something right,’ Kihyun muttered under his breath, watching as the ashes from his cigarette crumbled down to the concrete floor.  
  
‘I just…’ Wonho inhaled sharply. ‘I don’t know why we did what we did last night. I’ve been… going through a lot lately, you know that, and I don’t know if it is because of _that_ or—’  
  
‘You really are some kind of moron, aren’t you?’ Kihyun spat, unable to listen to Wonho anymore. He thought about just standing up and leaving, but some part of him wanted to scream at Wonho, yell at him, and he didn’t even know why he was so hurt. ‘Why are you even here? What do you want? Did you tell Minhyuk about last night?’  
  
Wonho stammered. ‘No, I—’  
  
‘Then what’s up with him suddenly being the third party in… whatever it is we’re doing?’  
  
‘Why are you so mad?’ Wonho then said, his voice suddenly harsh. ‘I just said I’m confused. Why can’t you listen to everything I have to say? It’s not like I’m here to tell you I hate you and never want to see you again!’  
  
‘Then what are you here to say?’ Kihyun said through clenched teeth, the tears from before now stubbornly streaming down his cheeks. He wiped his face furiously, standing up to leave. ‘I won’t listen to this shit. You’re clearly regretting last night, so we don’t have to talk about it. Ever.’  
  
‘But—’  
  
‘Just leave me alone!’ Kihyun said, and threw his cigarette over the edge before storming towards the door.  
  
‘How can I leave you alone when you’re the only one I want to be with?’ Wonho then yelled, his voice shaking. Hand already on the door handle, Kihyun froze completely, heart racing in his chest. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  
  
‘W-What?’  
  
‘I came here to ask you why you kissed me last night, because I think I kind of realized I really like you because you’ve been so nice to me and I just wanted to know if it was just to comfort me or if it was because you like me too, because I… I…’  
  
Kihyun was already standing in front of Wonho before he could finish his sentence, leaning down and clasping his face. Looking into his eyes, he slowly brought their faces closer, pausing right before their lips touched.  
  
‘Are you serious right now?’ he whispered, his gaze locked on Wonho’s. He could see Wonho swallow before slowly nodding, eyes flickering down on Kihyun’s lips. ‘Really? Like, seriously?’  
  
‘Y-Yes, I—’  
  
‘Because if you’re not, I’m—’  
  
Before Kihyun could finish his sentence, Wonho leaned up and brought their lips together, rushed as if he couldn’t stand waiting any longer. He grabbed Kihyun’s hands and brought them down along his sides, the tip of his tongue tracing along the opening of Kihyun’s mouth. Kihyun moaned into the kiss, his whole body trembling. Heat was rising to his cheeks, and he had to push Wonho away for a moment, feeling dizzy as he locked eyes with the other.  
  
‘Wonho, I—’  
  
‘Don’t say it,’ Wonho said, eyes dropping back down to Kihyun’s lips. ‘It’s okay. I know.’  
  
  
  
  
  
Kihyun patted the towel against Wonho’s forehead with feather-light touches, singing softly under his breath. Wonho was grasping at the toilet seat, body still trembling from earlier. Looking up at Wonho, couldn’t help but grin, his cheeks getting warm as the other grinned back at him. Kihyun leaned up and kissed Wonho’s cheek, unable to contain his grin, and ran his fingers through his hair and down his back, hands warm against Wonho’s clammy body.  
  
The anxiety had been better lately, less frequent. Especially after they started sleeping in the same bed. The other members hadn’t even questioned it. It hadn’t come as a surprise to them either, when they found out about them. They were mercilessly teased though, at every possible occasion, but they both knew the members were happy for them, so they just laughed along. Kihyun didn’t even feel the urge to smoke anymore, and if he ever felt frustrated or stressed out, he knew that he had strong, gentle arms to lie in, and he couldn’t really ask for anything better than that.  
  
  


 

 

쉿… 괜찮아, 괜찮아. 난 여기있어. 걱정하지마, 다 잘 될거야. [사랑해.](http://67.media.tumblr.com/232c6278af0807f1096891fb9456e1a1/tumblr_nueufjIRr41unj6clo2_500.gif)

 

 

  



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